My Greatest Dream
My greatest dream is the earliest dream I can remember having - a dream for peave and love in the world. I believedd the world in its natural state was full of peace and love, and had been contaminated by a badness that did not belong. I was equally troubled by injustices I learned of on the other side of the world as those I witnessed in my neighbourhood. I read a book on the black migrant workers in South Africa, the deplorable working conditions, disease, meager pay and long periods of time away from their families. I stared at their photos and cried. On Remembrance Day, I wished and prayed that we humans had really learned our lesson, that we would never have another war, that no human would ever kill another again. I was not aware that we had never really stopped.
I was born into a perfectly imperfect family and was dealing day to day with the dramas and lessons of growing up. Alone in bed at night, I would giggle with the tingle and joy and delight in my heart, as I felt my connection with that force of goodness. I had a faith that gave me hope and made sense of living.
I made some early choices to follow my dream of peace and love in the world, and found strength to do so from my inner knowing of a great loving power. I went to the United Church and joined choir and youth groups. I learned that there were others with similar beliefs, and I learned about Jesus, whose teachings rang true.
Being in nature was another place I was on the path of my dream. I had a reverence and respect for all animals, birds, fish, reptiles, insects, rocks, trees, and plant life. I marveled at everything in the universe and was in awe of God's world. I remember playing around the trees, in the tall grass, swimming in the lake or sitting on my favorite rock. I was lifted from my concerns and dilemmas; I was strong and connected to that great loving source of goodness.
Gradually, I lost my way from my greatest dream by making choices in my thinking, repeatedly voicing a negative view of the world and myself. I formed three hardened fast lies -
1. I believed God wasn't part of the modern world,
2. I believed that there was no hope for change; the world's problems were too immense,
3. I believed that alcohol, sugar highs, praise from other people and material things were most important and could make me happy.
After years of living out of these lies I landed in a pretty lonely, scary place. I was spiritually impoverished. I was using Tarot cards to predict and interpret my life, and feel better when I felt afraid. I still had a belief that there was good in every person, but as for a faith in a loving supreme power that was a part of my life, I had none.
I was numb to my emotions and walked around with a smile pasted on my face. I masked my depression with busyness, work and social concerns. I was married, had a home, a fabulous career in the Arts and yet I was incredibly lonely. I wondered how I was going to live the rest of my life. I felt empty inside and living didn't seem worth the trouble. I was ashamed and terrified of my rage, and tried to ignore it and hoped everyone else would too.
I worked my brain overtime figuring in advance right from wrong, what would happen next, or who to trust. I lived in my head. I would not trust my emotions as I judged they were mostly unpredictable and shameful. So my brain took charge. I was devoted to the God of argument - attacking, justifying and defending everything.
I continually sabotaged my relationships. I meddled. I fought with my siblings. I thought I could control the way other people saw me. I tried to please my mother, embellishing stories and concealing my faults in attempts to control her love for me. I lived in fear that people would see I had any faults.
I made a commitment to change myself after becoming involved in a women's choir. I heard the saying, "Change begins with me," and realized that I was unable to change other people or the madness of the world, but working on myself was within reach. I then began compulsively buying self-improvement books, taking numerous vitamins to alleviate fear, studying and practicing techniques for listening and sharing, and therapy. I stopped drinking alcohol. i joined a 12-step group for food addicts.
The surrender, spirituality and belonging I experienced in the rooms of Overeaters Anonymous, was a wonderful coming home to me. Here I found a spiritual solution to all my living concerns, I felt hope again, and I reconnected with my earliest dream. I was amazed how my addictions to food and (as I learned later) alcohol had such far-reaching affects on all areas of my life.
I read Beyond Therapy, Beyond Science by Anne Wilson Schaef in the early 90's along with many self-help books. Her book was different. Her writing, so honest it shook me. My copy of Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much by Schaef, was quickly dog eared and well traveled. I knew this was some-thing I wanted, but I thought I could achieve it studying the books and through sheer will. I judged that the Living in Process community, begun by Schaef, was too far away and too expensive for me to join. One tiny voice in me said, "Patience, this will come to you, I know this is possible for you." I attended several four-day introductory Living in Process Intensives over the span of about four or so years.
In 1998, I realized I needed this work. Confused and afraid I joined the LIP community, taking another step back on the path of my greatest dream. My early LIP experience was one of dealing with my addictions, working the 12 steps and processing my feelings on mattresses, or 'on the mats'. In doing my 'mat work' I experienced feeling as healing, and a return to a connection with the Great Spirit. My emotions, which I had feared and blocked, were now my friend and my responsibility was to trust them and stay with them, praying to know only what I need to know.
Then as my system cleared of most of the effects of the consumption of mood altering sweets and caffeine, and living life in self-created crisis and fear, I found I could explore on a deeper level. I practiced trusting myself, my journey and God. I continue in a process of discovering and rediscovering who I am. As I am lovingly guided in untangling my web of lies and false expectations, I experience relief from overreacting to everything in life. I begin to know freedome from selfishness and self-centredness, which in turn frees me from living in fear.
I have experienced living in a larger way by listening, reflecting on and learning from the teachings of Anne Wilson Schaef and participating in the LIP community. Being in recovery, with people who love and know me and whom I love and know on such an intimate level, is loads of fun. I have many more moments of connection to all living things, like I did when I was so very young. I love being in nature, and travelling to Boulder Hot Springs in Montana to soak in the healing waters. I have been enjoying and learning about preparing and eating healthful food.
My participation in Living in Process keeps me active and of service in my family, home, community, country, the planet, galaxy and beyond. This larger life has been such a gift to me as I have done my deep process work, and continue to do my process work. I have a sense now that what I once thought was impossible, is happening, that the planet is healing, that doing this work is important on a personal and global level, and that the personal and global are one. I feel so comforted to know that seeing and admitting my faults can make a difference beyond what I will ever know. I feel so much joy and serenity knowing that I am not alone in having my greatest dream for more love and peace in the world. I have such gratitude in my heart and being for my journey, with its gifts of obstacles and joys. I have such gratitude in my heart and being for Anne Wilson Schaef, the members of the Living in Process community and our commitment to healing, honesty and love.
I was born into a perfectly imperfect family and was dealing day to day with the dramas and lessons of growing up. Alone in bed at night, I would giggle with the tingle and joy and delight in my heart, as I felt my connection with that force of goodness. I had a faith that gave me hope and made sense of living.
I made some early choices to follow my dream of peace and love in the world, and found strength to do so from my inner knowing of a great loving power. I went to the United Church and joined choir and youth groups. I learned that there were others with similar beliefs, and I learned about Jesus, whose teachings rang true.
Being in nature was another place I was on the path of my dream. I had a reverence and respect for all animals, birds, fish, reptiles, insects, rocks, trees, and plant life. I marveled at everything in the universe and was in awe of God's world. I remember playing around the trees, in the tall grass, swimming in the lake or sitting on my favorite rock. I was lifted from my concerns and dilemmas; I was strong and connected to that great loving source of goodness.
Gradually, I lost my way from my greatest dream by making choices in my thinking, repeatedly voicing a negative view of the world and myself. I formed three hardened fast lies -
1. I believed God wasn't part of the modern world,
2. I believed that there was no hope for change; the world's problems were too immense,
3. I believed that alcohol, sugar highs, praise from other people and material things were most important and could make me happy.
After years of living out of these lies I landed in a pretty lonely, scary place. I was spiritually impoverished. I was using Tarot cards to predict and interpret my life, and feel better when I felt afraid. I still had a belief that there was good in every person, but as for a faith in a loving supreme power that was a part of my life, I had none.
I was numb to my emotions and walked around with a smile pasted on my face. I masked my depression with busyness, work and social concerns. I was married, had a home, a fabulous career in the Arts and yet I was incredibly lonely. I wondered how I was going to live the rest of my life. I felt empty inside and living didn't seem worth the trouble. I was ashamed and terrified of my rage, and tried to ignore it and hoped everyone else would too.
I worked my brain overtime figuring in advance right from wrong, what would happen next, or who to trust. I lived in my head. I would not trust my emotions as I judged they were mostly unpredictable and shameful. So my brain took charge. I was devoted to the God of argument - attacking, justifying and defending everything.
I continually sabotaged my relationships. I meddled. I fought with my siblings. I thought I could control the way other people saw me. I tried to please my mother, embellishing stories and concealing my faults in attempts to control her love for me. I lived in fear that people would see I had any faults.
I made a commitment to change myself after becoming involved in a women's choir. I heard the saying, "Change begins with me," and realized that I was unable to change other people or the madness of the world, but working on myself was within reach. I then began compulsively buying self-improvement books, taking numerous vitamins to alleviate fear, studying and practicing techniques for listening and sharing, and therapy. I stopped drinking alcohol. i joined a 12-step group for food addicts.
The surrender, spirituality and belonging I experienced in the rooms of Overeaters Anonymous, was a wonderful coming home to me. Here I found a spiritual solution to all my living concerns, I felt hope again, and I reconnected with my earliest dream. I was amazed how my addictions to food and (as I learned later) alcohol had such far-reaching affects on all areas of my life.
I read Beyond Therapy, Beyond Science by Anne Wilson Schaef in the early 90's along with many self-help books. Her book was different. Her writing, so honest it shook me. My copy of Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much by Schaef, was quickly dog eared and well traveled. I knew this was some-thing I wanted, but I thought I could achieve it studying the books and through sheer will. I judged that the Living in Process community, begun by Schaef, was too far away and too expensive for me to join. One tiny voice in me said, "Patience, this will come to you, I know this is possible for you." I attended several four-day introductory Living in Process Intensives over the span of about four or so years.
In 1998, I realized I needed this work. Confused and afraid I joined the LIP community, taking another step back on the path of my greatest dream. My early LIP experience was one of dealing with my addictions, working the 12 steps and processing my feelings on mattresses, or 'on the mats'. In doing my 'mat work' I experienced feeling as healing, and a return to a connection with the Great Spirit. My emotions, which I had feared and blocked, were now my friend and my responsibility was to trust them and stay with them, praying to know only what I need to know.
Then as my system cleared of most of the effects of the consumption of mood altering sweets and caffeine, and living life in self-created crisis and fear, I found I could explore on a deeper level. I practiced trusting myself, my journey and God. I continue in a process of discovering and rediscovering who I am. As I am lovingly guided in untangling my web of lies and false expectations, I experience relief from overreacting to everything in life. I begin to know freedome from selfishness and self-centredness, which in turn frees me from living in fear.
I have experienced living in a larger way by listening, reflecting on and learning from the teachings of Anne Wilson Schaef and participating in the LIP community. Being in recovery, with people who love and know me and whom I love and know on such an intimate level, is loads of fun. I have many more moments of connection to all living things, like I did when I was so very young. I love being in nature, and travelling to Boulder Hot Springs in Montana to soak in the healing waters. I have been enjoying and learning about preparing and eating healthful food.
My participation in Living in Process keeps me active and of service in my family, home, community, country, the planet, galaxy and beyond. This larger life has been such a gift to me as I have done my deep process work, and continue to do my process work. I have a sense now that what I once thought was impossible, is happening, that the planet is healing, that doing this work is important on a personal and global level, and that the personal and global are one. I feel so comforted to know that seeing and admitting my faults can make a difference beyond what I will ever know. I feel so much joy and serenity knowing that I am not alone in having my greatest dream for more love and peace in the world. I have such gratitude in my heart and being for my journey, with its gifts of obstacles and joys. I have such gratitude in my heart and being for Anne Wilson Schaef, the members of the Living in Process community and our commitment to healing, honesty and love.
posted by holly at 10:36 PM
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